Who I Am Into Who I’m Not

So here it is. The moment when head knowledge and experience come together. The moment when it is truly realized, that all that I accomplished, all that I built myself up to be, in the end,  is nothing. Nothing in comparison to the almighty God of Heaven and Earth that can bring calamity to cities and lands. The creator of all, the creator of me. He can make me into anything and he can unmake me if he wished. And as I sit here and worry about all the things I’m not, I find peace in knowing all the things that He is.

All the changes in the last few months:

  • I’m no longer a student
  • I’m no longer employed
  • I don’t feel put together
  • I realized that I never had a community and how much I wanted one
  • I realized how much I wanted friends
  • My heart hurts every time I find myself wandering away
  • I’ve had anxiety attacks
  • I’ve accepted that I need help
  • This is the first time in my life where I feel like I truly have no direction
  • I realized how much I care what other people think
  • I’ve been called a people pleaser (which is a complete shocker)
  • I cried in front of people…
  • I got drunk for the first time since before I accepted Christ
  • I want to love people who I felt hurt by
  • I want to Love like Christ loves us

I’ve been spending my time trying not to focus on my diminishing bank account. I’ve thought about how to improve and how to get somewhere. But at the end of the day, I know I can’t turn to google to help me get somewhere in life. I can only turn to the God with a plan. A plan for all of humanity. A plan for me. He’s beckoning me to come near him. He’s calling me, I believe. Though I can’t hear the ringing sometimes, I know he is calling and that he won’t stop until I answer. I have to believe that God is working. Always.

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