Something Good

The Interview. It didn’t happen the way I expected. I didn’t think I would tear up in front of the program director when talking about missions. And when she check the Accept box on my application right in front of me, I have to say I didn’t see it coming. I thought about what it would have been like if it happened any other way. If it had been a rejection, then it would be a sign that this wasn’t the direction God wanted me to take. Or if I had gotten in by a more traditional route, where I wait a few weeks for their decision before the YES, then I would say “oh, well a lot of people decide to go to grad school when they don’t know where to go” (a very selfish and All-Me decision), rather than believe that it was a God-ordained thing. The atypical way the whole ordeal went was a confirmation that my decision was true north. Your reading the post of an official candidate in CBU’s Masters in Counseling Psychology Program!

Counseling. Steven gave me her number a few days before. I didn’t contact her right away. To be honest, I had my reservations about the prospect of finding a counselor. And it sounded like she wouldn’t have much time for me, seeing as she’s both a professor and a practicing therapist. Why help me for lower pay? And being so wrapped up in my interview stuff, I pushed contacting her out of my mind. Until it hit.  I was sitting at my desk, eating a pasta, and watching a show. A perfectly relaxing time, when it crept up out of nowhere. The welling up of negativity, the emotions, the panic, and the tears. It wasn’t like the other breakdowns. It came faster and was a lot more volatile. Then I gave in. I emailed her. To my fortune, she responded within a few hours and the next thing I knew, we had a Skype session scheduled for the following day.

Depersonalization Disorder. Apparently, I display symptoms of this. I looked it up after our session. WebMD says that its when a person would experience episodes of disconnection and detachment. It’s like having an out of body experience that is usually a reaction to some sort of trauma/trigger. Like an outside person looking in. The person is still connected to reality, but they are aware that the reality is distorted somehow. The awareness becomes stressful and causes panic. And looking back on how I described my experiences in an earlier post, I would have to say it sounds about right. It’s not a conclusive diagnosis. I only had an hour with her. But it’s a start.

God. God gave me all that in a week. One answered prayer after another. He is good and he is working. It was hard believing that, no matter how many times I preached it to myself. But maybe it just takes a lot of God dragging me around kicking and screaming and whining and crying before I begin to see where he wants to bring me to.

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