Surprisingly okay meet up. I didn’t want to think about it. And I didn’t want to share it. And part of me can feel an anxiety attack coming on because now I know he lied. But I’m powerless to do anything.
Spent some time listening to Josh share. I’m not the only one who sees the danger in where the community is headed. Unrepentant sin, unsafe place, people in leadership that maybe shouldn’t be, wishing that God was at the center. All vague sharings, but I’m glad. I empathize and find myself relating to all your concerns, Josh.
We PRAYED for this group tonight. We prayed for ourselves. We prayed for change and for God to work through us and in every person at Renew. God’s will be done.
Find the strawberry in the midst of trouble. It’s tiny and I almost missed it. But I have to enjoy even the littlest things.
Therapy. It’s honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Going to therapy sucks… And I came out of today’s session extremely discouraged.
“Panic attacks are your body’s signs telling you that this person is dangerous. LISTEN TO IT! You’re feeling pain and rejection, you can’t ignore that. You can’t just get over it like it didn’t happen, that this person didn’t hurt you deeply!”
Why can’t I? I used to do this so well… Suck it up, and move on. I did it in high school. I’ve done it all my life. It should be no different.
“You want to keep everyone safe. And you’re noticing that there’s a lot more unsafe people than just him. You’re afraid of what it’s going to do to your community. But you can’t help others until you create a safe place for yourself.”
Will these people ever feel safe??? The answer I got: a vague “hopefully, you can eventually get to a place you can tolerate them.”
Not exactly what I wanted to hear. You’re asking me to cut out multiple people that I kind of enjoy. And really, the only person who kind of gets what I’m going through. And it hurts… real bad. But maybe it only hurts for me… From what I hear, he doesn’t seem too bothered. Maybe he never really cared for me at all.
God… What are you doing? Please hear my cries and redeem these relationships. I don’t want to question you, but please show me that people aren’t as hurtful and heartless as my mind keeps making them out to be.
Climbing. So much fear and discouragement and angst after the session, I had to climb. I think I’ve climbed more than I ever did. It helps that it was day time, there were less people, and no Renew distractions. I did so many climbs and tried so many more. I fall and get back up. Kept going even when my arms hurt and throbbed. It didn’t cure anything, but it was something. Not to mention, Kevin was there. He’s just one of those people that ooze encouragement. Jokes too much, a little too loud, but with him, you don’t even really need to have a deep conversation to feel encouraged. Okay Ellis, your friends aren’t THAT bad.