Processing

My last few posts have been incredibly morbid. Sorry. I wish I could wield my brain to not think about suicide or death so much. I’ve been trying to dissect my brain bit by bit. WHY is it getting harder and harder to control my emotions? When did things start looking so dark?

Counseling. It would be great to do this with a professional, but the first place I contacted never got back to me, which prompted me to contact them again. They put me on a wait list a second time and said someone will call me two weeks later, which never happened. My cynicism, fear, and anxiety told me to give up after that, so I did for another month. Then I tried calling a new place, which didn’t take the insurance that I had. I wanted to call them back later and figure out something, but it didn’t happen. Family stuff. Different opinions. Sticky things. So I gave up again. And I haven’t tried any other place since. It might be an excuse, but it’s hard getting up again by yourself when the little bit of effort you’ve muster gets crushed multiple times already.

Dark thoughts. Here’s what I’ve processed.

I realized that my moods are harder to control when there’s a lot of people. Like there’s too much going on or I hear a lot of different conversations around me and voices start to blur. I get triggered. Everything gets really loud in my head and I start feeling unstable. I start thinking really fast to the point where I can’t retrace my thoughts. Which is probably why I get so frustrated that nothing I say or think makes any sense when I try to explain what I’m feeling or thinking to other people. I can’t trace it back to the original thought. The catalyst.

Also, I find myself slipping into darker moods when I’m really fixated on something that I’m either trying to figure out or that I can’t shake out of my head. Like an idea or question or unprocessed lie/truth. And I’m trying to think positively or just stop thinking at all, but I keep failing.

For example, if I see or hear something that stirs a strong reaction from me, I become fixated on it. I can’t stop thinking about it. I try to think my way out or around but then it arouses other thoughts and feelings. Then it all turns into frustration and negativity. It’s a dark spiral.

After that, it’s just a lot of headaches and struggling with insomnia. And reading/Netflix/writing/exercising can’t take my mind off it. Like I’m trying to keep busy by myself but it doesn’t really work.

Anchor. My friend thinks it’s a stability issue. Like, my church community isn’t stable, my friendships are still new enough that I can’t be confident that they’ll last, my school/career path is up in the air, and there’s nothing tangible that can keep my anchored to the ground. It’s like I’m in the ocean and trying to swim with no life jacket or anything to hold onto.

What do I do? Maybe I’m not trusting enough…